Candy of Doom!
by Rose Starre
Summary: This is modeled after an old SpongeBob episode: Dying for Pie. Axel finds a candy bar lying around and decides to give it to Roxas. It turns out Demyx eats it and, after eating it, he only has 8 hours to live.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

"Good morning, Axel." Saïx said dully. "Are you ready for your mission?"

Axel groaned, "Do I have to?"

Saïx nodded. "If you keep up with that attitude," he said, "I'll make you go with Demyx on his mission in addition to this one."

Axel disappeared into a portal, closely followed by his mission partner, Vexen. "What are we supposed to do again?" Axel asked.

"We are supposed to find and eliminate a giant heartless," Vexen stated as he stepped out onto the paved roads of Twilight Town. "We've been keeping tabs on this one for some time, using an implanted microchip that…"

"Get to the point," Axel muttered, cutting Vexen off.

"Fine," Vexen snorted, "The heartless has apparently settled in what is known to the locals as the 'sandlot'. We'll go there and get rid of the thing."

"_Thank_ you," Axel mumbled as he set off in the direction of the sandlot.

After the heartless (just a simple giant shadow) was defeated, Axel found a candy bar lying in the road. "Hey, look at this," Axel said as he picked it up. "I found a candy bar! Roxas would love this!"

Vexen thought he recognized the label as one from a bomb company. "Axel," he said calmly, "I think you should put that down. You have no idea what that is or where it has been."

"It is _obviously_ a candy bar," Axel snapped. "And I'm giving it to Roxas." He whirled around and vanished into a portal without another word.

Later…

"Hey, Roxas!" Axel called, "I have something for you!"

Roxas turned around to see Axel coming towards him. "What do you want?" he asked. Axel said nothing but shoved the candy bar into Roxas's hand. "Neat, candy!" Roxas exclaimed, "Thanks, Axel!"

Vexen came over and said, "Axel, might I talk to you for a second?" Axel nodded and followed Vexen to the opposite corner of the room.

"Axel, I have the right to believe that the candy bar you just gave Roxas was a bomb," Vexen said.

"A WHAT?!" Axel screamed. Everyone in the room stared at Axel, surprised by his sudden outburst.

"A bomb." Vexen repeated calmly. "The label on it was quite similar to a bomb company that has its base in Twilight Town. They may have just received a shipping of small stealth bombs disguised as candy bars to trick the enemy into eating it and exploding."

Just then, Roxas walked past, licking his fingers. "That sure was a good candy bar," he said. He walked off happily humming.

"We need to call the hospital!" Axel cried in panic. He grabbed his cell phone and called the Hospital That Never Existed. "Yes, hello?" Axel said into the phone, "My friend just ate a bomb! … What? You've seen this before?! … Eleven times! … It's no use?!" Axel hung up.

"According to my calculations, Roxas has eight hours, tops. That'll give him until sundown," Vexen said

"He has eight hours," he sobbed. "He's a goner! How do we tell him?"

Vexen put his hand on Axel's shoulder. "Don't tell him," he said sadly, "It'll only make his day worse. Why ruin his last day on the World That Never Was? The boy deserves to enjoy his final hours." He walked off, leaving Axel in the corner.

"I'm going to make Roxas's last hours the best he's ever had," Axel sniffed. "For the next eight hours, there's going to be so much happiness, he's going to drown in it." Axel walked over to the hall. "DROWN IN IT!" he announced to the whole Living Room That Never Was.

"Note to self: Avoid Axel," Luxord muttered to himself as he laid down the three of spades for the random game of poker he was playing.

Axel walked up to Roxas, who was playing a game of New Super Mario bros. Wii. "Hey, buddy, I forgot to tell you about part two of your gift," Axel said.

"There's a part two?" Roxas asked. Axel nodded. "Part two, part two, part two, part two!" Roxas yelled excitedly.

"Yes, now what's the most fun thing you can think of?" Axel asked.

Roxas pulled out a list. "I made this a while ago. I was waiting for you to ask." He handed Axel the list. "Everything that is extra fun is written in red," he added.

"Everything's written in red," Axel pointed out.

"Exactly!" Roxas cried eagerly.

"Well, we'd better start now, before you die," Axel said. Roxas looked at him, confused. "Uh… Before you die of… umm… anticipation. Yeah, anticipation!" Axel added quickly.

"Right! Then, let's roll!" Roxas cried, running out the door. "Bye, Vexen!" he called as he exited the castle. Vexen waved back miserably.

"The first thing I wanted to do was show my best friend, Axel, to everyone in town!" Roxas said.

Roxas ran up to a world-to-world salesman. "This is my best friend, Axel!" he said happily.

"Yeah, that's nice," the salesman said awkwardly. He shrugged and left.

"Hey, nobodies! Check it out!" Roxas called to a random group of dusks. "This here is Axel, my best friend!" One of the dusks picked up a rock and threw it at Axel's head.

Roxas led Axel to Xigbar, who was outside, sitting on a bench. "Hi! I just wanted to show you my best friend, Axel!"

"Hey, Xigbar," Axel said, waving. Xigbar waved back. As Roxas and Axel were walking away, Axel said, "Glad that's over. What's next?"

"Next, I wanted to show my best friend to everyone in town wearing a salmon suit," Roxas said, reading off of the list.

"Why would you be wearing a salmon suit?" Axel asked

"That's very funny, Axel!" Roxas laughed. Soon, Axel was standing, in a salmon suit, in front of the same group of dusks from before, getting pelted with rocks.

Axel rubbed his bruises. "Now what?" he asked

"Knock-knock jokes!" Roxas cried. "Hey, Axel, knock-knock."

"Who's there?" Axel asked.

"I am!" Roxas laughed. Axel chuckled weakly.

A few bad knock-knock jokes later, Axel was walking backwards with Roxas at his side. Roxas imitated the beeping of a back-up alarm. "Beep, beep, beep, look out everybody, friends in reverse!" Roxas called over his shoulder.

"Okay, next?" Axel asked.

Roxas grinned and put on a surgeon's mask. He took out a scalpel. "Open-heart surgery!" he said excitedly.

Minutes later…

"Uh, Roxas?" Axel asked worriedly, "Are you supposed to be poking it like that?"

Roxas rolled his eyes and continued to poke the still-beating heart. "Of course," he said, "Who's the doctor, here?"

(Omission of the blood bit to keep this fic, and the floor, clean)

"Okay, the last thing on the list is…" Roxas said, pausing for effect.

"Please don't be another open-heart surgery, _please!_" Axel pleaded.

"Watch the sunset with Axel!" Roxas cried happily.

"T-the sunset?" Axel asked weakly.

A thought bubble appeared over Axel's head. _"According to my calculations, Roxas has eight hours, tops. That'll give him until sundown," _Thought-Vexen said

"Hey, look! It's Vexen! Hi, Vexen!" Roxas said, waving at Thought-Vexen. Thought-Vexen looked sad, then, popped the thought bubble with a pin. "Okay, see you later!" Roxas called.

"C'mon, buddy," Axel said, determined, "You want a sunset, you'll _get_ a sunset!"

"Ah, nonexistent sunsets sure are beautiful, eh, Axel?" Roxas asked as they watched the sky. Axel nodded. "Yeah, this is great," Roxas sighed. "Just the three of us. You, me, and this brick wall you built between us."

"Yeah," Axel laughed nervously.

"Say," Roxas said suddenly, "Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit, what about you?"

"Explosions… Wait, I mean erosion!" Axel answered uneasily.

"You know," Roxas spoke softly, "If I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay."

"You don't know how true that is," Axel muttered.

"What?" Roxas asked.

"Nothing," Axel answered.

"Here it is, Axel! I like to count it down. I'll start: five… You do the rest, buddy!" Roxas said eagerly.

"Four… three… two… one…" Axel said. Then, he plugged his ears and shut his eyes. Nothing happened.

Roxas appeared confused for a second. "I guess we started too early, let's try again!" he said cheerily.

"Five… four… three… two… one…" Axel counted. An explosion came from the other side of the wall. "W-well," Axel sobbed, "At least I made the last few hours of his life memorable. I am such a good person."

Another explosion rocked the ground, knocking the wall on top of Axel. He sat up and shook the dust from his hair. Roxas had been using firaga.

"Hey, Axel, check this out!" Axel began muttering something unintelligible. "Axel, we already played 'Babble like an Idiot' remember?"

"Why are you still here?" Axel asked. Roxas looked confused. "You were supposed to explode!" Axel snapped.

"Explode?" Roxas muttered.

"Yes!" Axel yelled.

"Uh… I'll try…" Roxas said, confused. "Here goes… DEMYX! YOU ARE GOING TO FINISH YOUR DESSERT AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT! Okay, Axel, now you try!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU IDIOT!" Axel screamed.

Roxas clapped. "Oooh, good one!"

"No! You were supposed to explode into a million pieces!" Axel shouted.

"Huh?" Roxas questioned, "I don't get it."

"The candy!" Axel bellowed, "It was a bomb!"

"What? Oh, _this _candy!" Roxas exclaimed, pulling out the wrapper. "It was a chocolate-covered fruit bar. No explosives!"

Axel very suddenly and very violently (and very, _very_ randomly) exploded. Amazingly, he remained in one piece. "Ouch," he coughed.

(I am _so_ sorry Axel. I forgot to tell you about the bomb Xaldin planted there. It was meant for Demyx.)

_Well, there you have it. The old SpongeBob episode: Dying for pie, done Organization XIII style. I might do more of these, so look out world! (Dying for Pie originally aired sometime in November of the year 2000, for those of you who are interested.) _

_Cast: Axel: Squidward, Roxas: SpongeBob. Saïx and Vexen both kind of played the role of Mr. Krabs. (Vexen had a larger part, however.) I'm not sure if I should have put this under crossover; please tell me if I was wrong to do so. Thanks!_


End file.
